Hello again, I’d apologise for the lack of posts on this blog, but I don’t think there’s enough people viewing my posts or following me for this to be an issue. (That is not a complaint, as I originally started this blog as an account of random rambles and life events that I’ve had.) The last week in particular has been rather eventful, with a great result of my parents evening at school, but also a huge amount of anxiety creeping back into me and making me feel as though I am going insane… You need to see it to believe it!
Anyway, this post is all about my experiences with confusion of gender identity and my dysphoria that surrounds coming to terms with my feelings. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long one, so prepare!
A few weeks ago I realised something massive in terms of my gender. I’d questioned it for years, but being the stereotypical female that I was I never thought too deeply about my underlying issues with this. I told one of my teachers about this feeling and once I did he researched it due to the little knowledge he had on the subject matter. Once this had been addressed it felt like everything that I’ve felt along the lines of depression, suicide and any feelings of not belonging all suddenly came together and made a lot more sense – the teacher I spoke to agreed with this. I was happy and felt that I could be accepted for who I was, finally. But then a deeper issue which I had also thought about for a long while was… my name. I hate being called ‘she’ and ‘Kira’ and all of the things that connect me to my biological sex. There was one name that felt like me and school said the name was an easy fix (they lied about that one). My name is Quinn. Kira feels like the girl who has been pretending all her life.
My peer group at school had many questions when some of my friends started to call my Quinn and asked many along the lines of: “Why Quinn?” I tried to explain my non binary identity of being agender (not feeling a connection with any gender) and there was a lot of confusion, thus leading to yet more questions. People getting gender expression, identity and sexuality mixed up, making me feel uncomfortable and upset. There was one girl last week who asked me many questions and the last one she asked was: “Are you going to get cut up?”. Of course, I knew this meant surgery, which was so personal and upsetting that I just couldn’t deal with her anymore and walked away. This doesn’t apply any sense of letting the situation go, though.
In conclusion (sorry this has been rather long), for the future I wish that the people around me – other than friends, family and teachers – to accept me for who I am and use the name that I connect with, to not have invasive personal questions (referring to my genitalia, possible surgery, or the legal alterations to my name) and to come out to my year group, or the school and to try to help others in my school, or elsewhere, to accept themselves for who they are – not just in terms of their gender and sexuality, but their whole personality and reason for being.
Thank you, if you did read. ‘Til next time, buddies!