Panic, Peace and Puzzlement

Hello, so, I know the title is as cliched and annoying as the ending to Titanic, but I’m sure that won’t matter too much in the grand scheme of things. So, what I’ve got to say is that, there’s been quite a lot going on recently. I have had a half term break from school, I had one of my worst panic attacks before that break and I have been forever confused about my gender and who I am as a person, as few people call me by my preferred name of Quinn… annoying! My friend has told me a lot about herself, and it’s gotten to me due to the fact that I had to support a friend when I was younger. Trying to find peace in something at the moment is difficult, and I can feel my heart hammering against my chest sometimes, very enjoyable… urgh. I’ve finally got back into reading and writing again, I have written a sonnet and nearly finished a book for the first time in about a month! I may write a review on it, but I haven’t properly before, so if anyone has any tips? One thing I’ve found a great deal of peace within is arranging my book shelves (another idea for a post?).

For today, I’m just going to paste something I wrote about a while ago, as a little story sort of thing. And if you enjoy it please tell me, so I know whether to do another!

Inside_out_fear_first

 He was there, constantly watching – like a ghost, an angel. Well, if anything, he was the devil. With greasy hair and buldging, black bags under his eyes, he stood by the classroom window and watched me as I attempted to complete my work. My hands quivered frantically – resulting in many scribbles across my work. I turned my head slightly to see if he was still there, he was. I stared out the window at him for a few minutes; his devilish smiling proving no security, if that is what he was trying to do. I looked around the room and the noise provided no distraction, instead made me panic. I heard a low pitched shout and quickly turned to the window. He was gone. Frozen to my chair, I try to look to one of my friends for help or reassurance… none is given. A bright light shines upon the bright white paper from my book. I pick up my pen and try to figure out the answer to my next problem, but all of the numbers turn into a sea of uncontrolable waves. I get swept up by the waves and my heart begins to pound. I think of the man outside and look back to the window, into the cloudy playground, where the students are bullied and teased. I look above the whiteboard to check the time, and I am no longer capable of reading what it is trying to tell me. I slightly raise my hand to get some guidance from the teacher – no reply. The waves of panic rush over me and try to take over, I try to think of something else. My friends, that doesn’t help, they’ve abandoned me in the sea. My next lesson – PE, the worst of them all. Speeding winds lap the icy cold water that covers me and I try to reach my arm to wave for help; it’s frozen to my side. A mighty wave rushes above my head and begins to force me beneath. I try to breathe and my heart is racing more than ever before. Something wraps around my leg and I am forced to go deeper, forced to plumpet further than any other person has gone. I am gasping for air, but only finding the salty sting of the ocean’s waters. He is there again. Staring with that menacing grin, one which I will never fully understand. Why is he smiling at me? This makes me realise… This isn’t real! I look around to see worried faces and friends calling my name repeatedly, nothing helps. I’m still gasping for air (this makes deep thoughts about my possible death come into mind, this terrifies me more). A faint feeling rushes over me and I place my head on the table and close my eyes to make the spinning stop. I begin to feel sick and a heavy feeling in my chest begins, still gasping for air at an increasing rate. Tears begin to flow as I consider my possible demise being from the one man, who I knew for a very long time has been plotting my murder. Sobbing like a child, the panic begins to stop and a take a deep breath. I look around the room, only to see half a classroom staring back at me. Fear has stopped, but the embarrassment began and so did the guilt. I felt bad that I had scared my best friend and that I had done none of my work for my teacher. And more than anything… I felt pathetic. 

Some bits were inspired by real events, and I’m sure you can guess which. So, that’s all for now! Thanks if you read,

Quinn

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One thought on “Panic, Peace and Puzzlement

  1. I’m glad to see you have finished a book! Just glance at any of my reviews if you want an idea of how to set it up! I would love to see how you organise your shelves as mine are a mess!
    It must suck having to deal with panic attacks, I’m sorry you have to deal with them.

    Like

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