Falling and Falling

Sometimes I question why these things happen to me, or what bad things I did in a past life to deserve being this way, but the more I question it, the more I realise how ridiculous I am being. There’s no way – that I currently know of – to prevent this somewhat embarrassing thing from happening. When the panic grips tight, it can feel suffocating, to the point of exhaustion. Now that I have better realised why this happens, it has made it even more embarrassing, but you would think that the embarrassment would have lessened. Often I think that names, labels and reasons for what happens to me would be a form of reassurance. What if this is not entirely true? There’s always something that is in the back of my mind, telling me that I need to know, so that I can help myself better. In terms of these ‘falls’, this isn’t true. It doesn’t lessen or worsen them or make them happen any more or less frequently. They come and go at will, with little to no warning. Sometimes I don’t even have to be panicking to have the grips of anxiety make me fall.
I don’t just mean falling physically, but also metaphorically. The further I get with recovery, or simply times with being better, the further I have to fall back down again. It is one of my worst fears that I will fall and never be able to return to the place I once was, the mentality I wish I was still at. Most of the time, I think that returning to that state of mind is an unrealistic approach to my recovery, but people have to have goals in life, otherwise we won’t even strive to achieve anything. You would just be left there, a shell of a human, doing nothing; you have to have the points in life where you fall, in order to make the steps to go forward and achieve. No matter how big the obstacle may seem, I have begun to have a more positive approach to things. It has helped in my aids to recovery.
Yesterday I had a hit of realisation, where I suddenly felt more positive about things. I suddenly understood why I am where I am right now, and had to detach myself from all of my wants and focus on what I
need. I knew it was the approach I had to have to things, if I wanted to get better and later succeed with the goals I currently have. I have to get through the minor anxieties I have and have had about the near future and focus on the bigger picture. A sudden rush of happiness and pride rushed over me (and it wasn’t from a sugar rush, from too many Dolly Mixtures!). With the help of my family and others around me, I decided that I knew what I needed to do. Although it will be hard, concentrating on getting better would be good for everyone else. I’ve been told that I am selfish: It’s time for a change.


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