Here’s Where It Starts…

Nobody ever thinks it’ll happen to them, but I can promise that it does. It does and it hurts too. You can seem relaxed to the casual viewer, but if you were to dissect the looks I give, or the positions I’m sat in, then maybe I’m not so relaxed. Fear is a striking companion for me, and it follows me wherever I go, but nobody can see it. Not a single person realises that some of my strange habits and mannerisms are due to the sometimes crippling thoughts and fears that surrounds me every day. It comes without warning. Something that grips your throat tight, and sucks the air out of your lungs – panic. Another invisible enemy. I used to have invisible friends, and I was completely obsessed with them for years, but this is mainly due to the fact that I didn’t know how to be friends with people or how to socialise, so I created my own. It seemed to be a negative to everyone around me, as I escaped the harsh reality to see my friends, teachers and even a couple of enemies in the world that I sometimes felt was real. Friendships were hard to come by when you were a controlling person, who often never knew what to say, or how to start a conversation. Now I’m beginning to understand how conversations work, but still view them in a systematic way that humanity have chosen to have to get through daily struggles with a ‘bit of a chat’. I find myself constantly guessing what the person is going to say next in order to reply, and often time an average conversation between different relationships I have, so that I am comfortable and know the sort of thing that was happening.
It seems odd to people that I need to know how conversations work, because dealing with the unexpected is viewed as a necessity in human life and how we get through things. This is also a parallel to the terrifying concept of change. It is horrible to think that as I’m getting older I am changing, while still staying the same. I am aware that I am the same person in terms of literal biology and many character traits have been the same as they were when I was very young (this includes being a ‘worrier’). However, I know that my small obsessions are always changing, and as I’m getting older I am both physically and mentally evolving. It is more than worrying, but terrifying.
But referring back to the start, ‘nobody ever thinks it’ll happen to them’, well here I am, in a hospital, typing with my mildly shaking hands on a keyboard. My mind has really run away with me this time. So, as the title says ‘Here’s where it starts…”. Here’s where the new me is born, created, evolved. I may not change into a completely different person, but I definitely have changed within only a week of being here. New people, and a new environment – all factors that can cause minor to major changes in a person. Let’s see where it goes from here…