I could go through my entire life having the same old problems, just wondering what the hell is wrong with me or wondering why I react to certain things in certain ways. But then, all of a sudden it hits you. And not like a little tap to the face or a slap, or a punch – it’s like running into a brick wall. It starts off as a dull pain, but it progresses to a pain that you can’t ignore. It grips hold of you, tight, so that you feel like you have to do something about it. Staring at the same walls and colours day after day gets tiring, and staring longingly out of a window, imagining what it would be like to be back out there again, how much I miss it.
I remember what it felt like walking in, and I wished I could see that place again and see what it looks like now that I’m calmer. It’s strange how different places look depending on your emotions. It’s like looking at somewhere as a dream. “In dreams we enter a world which is entirely our own”. I take this Albus Dumbledore quote, and decide that it is how the world looks within dreams, rather than having better choice of the way that life goes within dreams. The world may look exactly the same, with the same appearance, but a the colours may be more vibrant, or the angles on which buildings are situated may be different. I have always been told that dreams are what you make them to be, but is this really the case? How often is it that you’re dreaming and you have a choice of what happens? It never happens. Dreams are like exaggerated versions of life, with different colours. Mine always seem to be realistic, and when I hear what others dream about, it confuses me, because my dreams are always like my life. This makes people assume that I am a boring person, but I would definitely disagree with this. I have always been a pretty imaginative person, with somewhat unrealistic goals and aspirations for life. There’s nothing like dreams, but there is nothing like your own individual life.
Although I’ve said this in a previous post from yesterday, I know that I need to start being more positive, and once I start doing that I can move forward. There are always so many bumps in the road, which makes it ten times harder to go through life, and hearing people just say ‘think of the positives’, even here in hospital. I always try and think to myself that maybe they’re right, but how? It’s not something that can be taught, and it’s not something that comes naturally to all, so how can I do it? When people say it, they make it sound so simple, I guess in my dreams that may be true, but if we talk about dreams, as in goals then that could be true, but in the context of dreams that happen while sleeping, that is certainly not the case. In group therapy last week, in hospital, I made something (almost like a poster) and called it ‘Doors to the Future’, it had stars, that acted like a staircase; it started off with small goals, like getting discharged, then moved up to becoming a teacher when I’m older. It seemed to be very positive. But then I wrote, on a brown piece of paper, ‘Things that get in the way’, and stuck it over the top, my opinion and mood quickly turned from positive to negative, but I knew that if I simply lifted the paper, I could see the stars once again. I found this a rather symbolic way of expressing my feelings, and would urge people to do it, whether they are struggling with mental health issues or not. I guess I can put up with one type of dream, but not the other